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i hate throwing up because i hate not being in control. and i know there will be a moment where it will be worse. where i will feel my body expel everything. but i suppose i won't feel it then.

and though i am still a coward afraid of momentary pain i have decided it's not so much death i fear, but not living. that doesn't mean being reckless.

that just means being.

today out of thousands of residents five are gone. bang. bang. bang. bang. bang. and the sound resounds all around us in the city. should we go there. should we walk here. where are we safe.

what will tomorrow be like?

well i will go to takoma park with you. but i can't lie, i will be wary and my head will turn and i will wince whenever i see a white van.

because i'm only human.