:::by jill:::

i wake to someone wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me close. after a moment i remember who it is, and open my eyes. i kiss his neck, he still sleeping, and i wriggle out of his embrace and sit on the bed.

leaning forward, suddenly so awake, i slip my fingers into the blinds and part them, peeking through out into the pink morning spread over the sea. �what a view,� i heard him say once. but he always keeps the blinds closed. i wonder for a moment how i got here, waking so comfortably beside someone who never looks out his window. how i came to this spot, with or without good intentions.

he rouses. we smile and kiss and brush our teeth and shiver in the cold of the morning and dress. he doesn�t eat breakfast, i�m learning. i know better than to say anything about the sun or the water or the sounds of seagulls. i step into his slippers that look like bear feet and shudder, realizing how familiar i�m becoming with this room, this man, this life. where i�m going. i kick off his bear feet and search for my socks, hidden in the sheets.

the grass and air is wet and salty. the ocean glitters, but he doesn�t mention the smell, the air, the sky. i don�t think he notices. we walk to our cars � as i�m getting in, he runs up to me and kisses me, �have a good day,� he says. i smile and murmur, �you have lipstick on you now,� and he squeezes my hand and bounds back over to his own car.

i think that he loves me, and that somehow that isn�t enough.

he�s behind me on our way to school. i see him in my rearview mirror, singing along to something. at a red light, i look up through my windshield and see tall white clouds racing through the air like ships, like whales. they move so fast that my breath catches and tears spring to my eyes. they make me think of a man who, when he followed in the car behind me, would already have stuck his arm out the window and would be waving it at the heavens. who i could be sure would be thinking about how beautiful these tall white ships in the sky are, and how wonderful it is to share them with me. i don�t know how i�ve gotten so far from him, and so close to someone i like instead of love. i want to turn around and drive and drive until i get back to him. back to before i started this journey, no matter what that means i lose.

but instead i give the car gas and go forward, and look at the clouds myself. the wind carries them quickly, towards something that i do not know. they soar with such grace and purpose, but i can�t help but wonder if they know where they�re traveling, and if they want to go there or not.

whether that makes any difference.

<< 2003-10-23 @ 12:01 a.m. >>

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