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Closure.

That is the topic for today, and it�s a good topic because of my lives and times. What about when closure isn�t viable? What if it simply isn�t viable?

When I think about closure, I think about sad sunsets, certain music. Especially really depressing instrumentals, mainly jazz and tango . Closure isn�t really closure at all; it is a sort of acceptance, yes, but what does that mean? I don�t know, because at this point in my life, I�d rather not have closure. What does closure mean? Taking things others dish out and saying, �yes, that�s okay�? Yes, that�s closure. But. What if you do not want to say it is okay? There are times when closure won�t come.

I�ve spent a year convincing myself on the theory of closure. When the other person isn�t willing to cooperate, it simply does not work. When something has gone wrong, has gone very sour, and you don�t understand why. And you repeatedly sacrifice something in order to get closure. Or ask for, closure, closure.

Closure, closure, blah, blah, blah.

I just am not able to say anything on closure without going off and being very bitter and very hurt and very vunerable, things that certain people don�t appreciate.

I�ve spend countless hours losing my eyesight and writing mental e-mails in my mind. I�ve sent e-mails that you wouldn�t believe how much of myself I put into them, and what happened? Nothing. Yes, he apologized. He acted like it was such a big deal that he was apologizing. He said, �I am apologizing to you,� on the phone.

I recently told one of my girl friends, I couldn�t deal with long-distance relationships. I already had one, and we lived in the same town.

Oh, really!?! Wow! Everything is okay now. Mr. Man has apologized to me. Wow.

It is so frustrating.

I can hardly write the word closure without wanting to hit things. I hit things or fire out �e-mails� and try to be �understanding� and be the �best� of a �person� that I can �be,� yeah whatever. And then, at night, I can�t sleep and I start crying really hard.

Did I mention I became miopic in a year? Yeah, well, I did.