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In Australia we usually take holidays, for fear that a vacation may actually turn into an event featuring Chevy Chase and some madcap antics. My last holiday was a complete disaster, so I am more than happy to call it a vacation instead, and it was over a year ago so most of the humiliation and crap that occurred has been erased from my forward memory. I have my next set of holidays coming up in a month or so, and this time I have a plan!

No fancy holiday to Bali (my usual destination) as I would rather not lie on a beach in fear of having the fuck bombed out of me. No big family trip with visits to all of the long lost relatives who smell like worn socks and stale beer. No road trip in my beat up old Volksie that threatens to fall into a million pieces if you push it over 80km per hour. Ah no, this holiday is going to be a spiritual holiday, a rest from the mindjunk that has cluttered me for the past year.

I shall breathe deeply, and slowly. I will think of the sea, and far horizons, and a single gull overhead. I will make cups of tea and stare blankly into space as I stir the sugar in. I will not compare myself to others, I will not make mental to-do lists, I will not ponder the fate of the universe. No thoughts of deadlines, office politics, personal machinations or relationship dynamics will enter my brain. For eight hours a day I will concentrate on being rested and calm and unavailable to deep thought. I will spend the time I usually spend thinking about how far away my next coffee break is, thinking about deep green forests and soft shakahachi music.

My mental holiday will not leave me broke, sunburnt or halfway through a giant novel. My mental holiday will take me to distant shores whenever I want, and will leave me as blissfully peaceful as a full-on deep tissue massage. I will have no baggage, no tickets, no screaming children asking for more orange juice. I will have nothing.

And when I return from my holiday I will bring mental postcards saying �Glad you weren�t there� featuring a half naked woman holding a fishing pole. And a t-shirt with an image of my left brain on it. And a snowdome containing my left over rage and inhibitions.

Just let me know if you want anything duty free.